How Do I Cope When I'm Overwhelmed By Shame?

Many people in your situation feel overwhelmed. Shame after arrest or police intervention for sexual offences can feel huge. It can take over your thinking and make you believe there’s no way back. 

Shame has two sides: 

1. External shame - Worrying what others think of you. 

2. Internal shame - The harsh voice inside your own head. 

These two dimensions often reinforce each other and can intensify the shame you feel. If you think other people view you negatively this can increase your own belief that you are not worthy of respect or consideration, and self-criticism can make you expect further negative judgement from others. 

Feeling shame after an arrest for sexual offences is normal. It would be unusual if you did not feel that way. It doesn’t mean you’re beyond help. It doesn’t mean you’re only the worst thing you’ve done.  

People who know you well can still hold a fuller picture of you, even if you can’t see it right now. They will feel angry, scared and confused, but they’re unlikely to wipe out all their positive memories of you.  

There’s also a difference between shame and guilt.

Shame says: “I am a bad person.”  Shame blocks you from moving forwards. It tells you there’s no point trying. 

Guilt says: “I did something wrong.”   Although painful, guilt can help you understand your behaviour and take responsibility.

Aim to see your arrest or police intervention as an event. It is something serious, something with consequences, but not something that defines your whole character. 

Start by re-establishing simple daily routines. This can help you feel safe and grounded. Break things down into achievable tasks: get dressed, have a shower, go for a short walk. Take it one step at a time. 

You can take responsibility and make changes. And you don’t have to do it by yourself. 

If shame is overwhelming you, or you don’t know where to start, a consultation with Safer Lives will help. We work with people in your situation every day. We offer guidance and support without judgement, providing a space to talk honestly about what’s happened and what needs to change. 

You don’t have to face this alone. 

To book a Safer Lives consultation or to have a short chat about your situation, call 0800 0435987, WhatsApp or text 0747 668 3012, email info@saferlives.com or click here. 

To find out more about Safer Lives and our services visit our website www.saferlives.com 

For details of other support organisations click here.